Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Randomize
