If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
