they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
