Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
