The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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