I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
