I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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