guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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