FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
