She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
