it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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