I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
