someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
