Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
