Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
