I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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