help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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