I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
