Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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