How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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