If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Hippo gnu deer
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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