My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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