Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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