At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
