my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
