someone owes me an orgasm
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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