I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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