her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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