You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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