the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
