You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
pop tarts are not kleenex
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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