Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
