I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
