On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
