I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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