at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
True strength comes from lack of pants
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
