She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
