I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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