I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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