Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
