i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
