I wish my penis had an off switch
He uses pillows to masturbate.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
