I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
