You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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