Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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