I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
