I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Randomize
