We're like a lot better than the average bears
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
