capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
