I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
