If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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