I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
