I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
