piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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