community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
