2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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