the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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