Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
