Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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